The Power of Validation

Imagine you’re at work when you experience an intense bout of nausea. You’re distracted by the discomfort and just trying to get through the remainder of the day. You make a simple mistake, and your boss’s response makes all the difference in whether you experience your workplace as safe. Which of the following responses would you prefer?

“We all get stomach pain. Just take some Tums and get back to work like everyone else. You will need to stay later to fix your mistake.”

Or,

“Nausea is the worst, no wonder you’re distracted. If you’d like to go home early, I completely understand. You can fix this when you’re feeling better.”

I don’t know about you, but I prefer the second response by a landslide; it communicates that the people I work for see me as a person. The first response sends the message that my experience doesn’t matter and that I’m only as important as my ability to perform.

Invalidation occurs when people, even subtly and unintentionally, disregard someone else’s emotional experience. Believe it or not, this is exactly what many of our children feel on a daily basis, especially neurodivergent ones.

If you’re a parent, you probably don’t need to try too hard to imagine a time when your child was struggling with homework. A parent’s response might not automatically prevent a meltdown, but it can prevent damage to a child’s self-esteem. Which of the following responses do you think helps a child feel supported, even while they’re struggling?

“I don’t understand why you can’t just sit down and do your homework. You never listen to me. It’s not as hard as you think.”

Or,

“It seems like you’re feeling frustrated. Why don’t we take a break, and then we can try again by problem-solving together? I’m proud of you for trying.”

What kind of workplace or childhood do we want to be a part of creating? The one I envision is a world where people of all ages feel safe to be authentic and are equally respected. When children repeatedly receive the message that their feelings are not real or do not matter, they learn not to trust themselves or their own reality.

In order for children to move through Erikson’s stage of autonomy versus shame and doubt, they need experiences that reinforce their sense of capability and self-trust. In simple terms, children must learn that their opinions and feelings matter.

One of the most common myths I hear is that there is “nothing to validate.” The truth is: there always is. As a therapist, I am by no means condoning or excusing harmful behavior, and I do believe in developmentally appropriate consequences when necessary. However, the underlying feeling is always valid, even when the behavior is not. All behavior is communication.

When we help children identify their underlying needs and model more adaptive ways of expressing feelings, we teach emotional regulation. This skill is foundational and directly contributes to the prevention of long-term mental health challenges and substance use concerns.

Many people assume that “big T” trauma, such as repeated physical or sexual abuse, are the primary drivers of poor mental health outcomes. The reality is often more insidious. Why is it that many children I see, who have food, shelter, and clothing, still describe themselves as “emotional orphans”?

While we all invalidate one another at times, repeated invalidation becomes a damaging form of emotional neglect or abandonment. Clinicians refer to this pattern as complex trauma: ongoing experiences of emotional harm that feel inescapable. The good news is that validation is a skill that can be learned, practiced, and repaired over time.

This is especially relevant for neurodivergent children. Many parents genuinely want to support their child but lack a full understanding of how their child’s brain processes the world. This lack of understanding is not a failure; it’s often the result of limited education, mixed messaging, or outdated expectations placed on families. However, understanding is not a prerequisite for respect.

Even when a child’s behavior doesn’t make sense to us, we can still respond with curiosity rather than control. We can choose to see a child’s distress as communication rather than defiance, and unmet needs rather than disobedience. Neurodivergent children are not trying to be difficult; they are often trying to survive environments that are not designed for the way their nervous systems function.

Validation does not require agreement, perfection, or having all the answers. It simply requires acknowledging that something real is happening for the child. When we lead with validation, we communicate safety. And safety is what allows children to build trust in themselves, regulate their emotions, and learn more adaptive ways to express their needs.

So the call to action is this: pause before correcting, disciplining, or dismissing. Ask yourself, What might be underneath this behavior? Try reflecting the feeling before addressing the behavior. Small, consistent moments of validation can profoundly change a child’s internal narrative from “something is wrong with me” to “I am understood, even when I’m struggling.”

That shift is not small. It is foundational. And it is something every child deserves.

— Sami Wallshein, RMHCI